Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
foreskin is a definite game changer
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
