On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
