he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize