I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
