can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
