Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
