wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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