the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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