I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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