I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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