I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize