How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I supernannyed him into submission
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
