I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
