True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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