My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
