mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
