I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
