I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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