chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
