she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
