the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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