and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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