i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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