i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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