um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
