I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The air taste purple.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
