My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
