I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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