The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
