he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
