Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize