Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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