I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
