nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
