And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
