My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the night ended with taco bell and tears
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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