I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
