she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
