how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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