I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
