It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
