He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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