Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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