i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize