my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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