i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize