he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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