i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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