At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
why do cheetos always look like penises
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
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