ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
