For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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