Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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