Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
