I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
