He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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