Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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