I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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