i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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