I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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