theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
