This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize