Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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