I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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