3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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