Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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