so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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