my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
