I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
